How to Disagree (without being disagreeable)

No one wants to be “that guy.” The one who is always correcting people, the one who never agrees with new ideas. However, communicating disagreements is really important in innovation, project completion, and progress.

There are several ways to make sure that you are voicing your disagreements with grace and tact–not creating a reputation as a naysayer. People tend to avoid those that give negative feedback, so it’s important to know when, how, and how often to offer correction.

Be Positive First 

The first thing to do before you start dishing out the negative feedback, is to spend time building up a positive relationship with your boss and colleagues. They need to know that you are someone who not only notices the good work and ideas that people put forward, but also that you also are vocal in your support and praise of others.  If you have a good rapport with colleagues as someone who actively builds people up, then when you have to give out negative feedback, it won’t feel like you’re tearing them down.

Look Inward 

After building this kind of rapport with your colleagues, there are several points to consider before correcting someone. First, ask how serious the issue is. If you are explaining that they incorrectly used “you’re” in an email—then it is perhaps not a very critical matter, and it’s best to let it go. However, if someone misquoted a statistic that’s integral to a project, then you’re keeping them from making an even larger mistake that could be harder to fix. The scale of the matter should be determined before deciding to take it upon yourself to correct someone.

The second point to consider is if you are an expert, or bring some key information to the matter. If you just have an opinion and no real data to back it up, people will either tune you out when you disagree or get angry with your fact-less pontificating.

How to Disagree 

Once you have established that a matter is both critical and that you have substantial, relevant, and un-biased feedback to give, then you can focus on how to tell people that they are wrong.

Some people also recommend a “criticism sandwich” where you sandwich your criticism between two compliments such as: “Your presentation was really informative, great job. I had some trouble hearing you, maybe next time you could speak up more. Oh, and great job getting those numbers together, that’ll really help me out.”

Some people are able to employ this to great effect, while others come across as condescending or passive aggressive. If you’re choosing to employ this method, try it out first on a friend to see if you can successfully come across as helpful and sincere, instead of patronizing and infuriating. The most important aspect of feedback is in that it is honest, specific and not personal. If you can’t keep your tone and attitude in check when delivering negative feedback, then you might not be the best person to deliver it.  Give yourself some honest feedback to see if you can constructively help your colleagues or if you only sow strife.

Conflicting Feelings on Conflict 

Most people hate conflict and want to avoid it. Some people love being right and correcting others. However, the most successful people, in both personal and professional relationships, are the ones who  seek out constructive feedback. Being open to criticism makes you more empathetic which in turn leads to being able to deliver feedback in an appropriate, professional, and helpful manner. To truly succeed, you must improve your emotional intelligence enough so that you can dish it, and take it.